Winning Widow and ways to win

On September 28th, 2017, I lost my wife to cancer. It was a brutal, heartbreaking battle. Karla and I had a story to tell. We had a story to tell about hope, her plight, her fight, her life, and this disease. We often talked about how she would make it through this and all of the things we wanted to do with our young (at the time 3 year old) twins when she got home healthy and healed after going through hell.  Of course, Disneyland topped the list. It still does. Through this experience, I want to write about my year as a widower, things Karla taught the kids and I, and how I survived. In my head, I think, these are really things and life lessons I want my kids to live by if something were to happen to me. At least at this stage in my life. I believe it also applies to others suffering loss, grieving loss, divorce, or somehow experiencing the downside of life and loss and not knowing what to do. I’ve always wanted to offer hope,  and through my unconventional, unorthodox, and sometimes defiant and stubborn ways, I believe I can.

First of all, I will say that exercise saved my life. As a student of Bill Phillips (author of the #1 fitness book of all time, Body For Life) some time ago, I was able to learn one of the best ways to utilize exercise for mind and body.  I could get in to the scientific reasons, but I am not going to at this time. I just want you to know that it works.

As Karla laid in her hospital bed, unconscious, slipping away with only hours left, I (and others) wanted nothing more than to offer mercy, permission, assurance, love, and comfort to my wife.  And that, we did. One of the things I told her was this: “I promise to honor you and give your children the best life possible so that you never have to worry about them. I will always be here for them and promise that they will have the very best of me and what life has to offer”.  Shortly after I and others assured her it was okay to go and surrounded her with love, she took her last breath. As the last year went on, I can clearly see that the promise was just as much for me as it was for her. I didn’t see that at the time, but these are the standards I set for myself to live by. So here’s what I did.

1. EXERCISE. This was my primary grief therapy. I did it for no other reason than that for the first 6 months. Now I do it for grief therapy and to stay healthy for my kids. Exercise is an amazing resource with medicinal effects. Both physically and mentally.  It got me through the worst of times, and still does. It is a way to escape from the current loop in your brain and in your thought process. It is training the brain to think about different things and give it something else to do. It was a vacation from grief. And it works. And it has scientific evidence to back it up. For anybody interested, I would love to talk and elaborate more on the subject. 
2. I PUT MYSELF FIRST.  That’s right. I put myself first. A better Clay makes a better dad, and makes a better Carson and Kaylee. They win. And I’ve proven that over and over again this last year. I prioritized my well being and invested in it. My kids are the beneficiary of my approach. I make better decisions for them, and most of all, I lead by example (hopefully, in their eyes). When they are older and ask ‘dad, how did you do it?’ I can confidently say, ‘by lifting weights and being selfish’, and then show them. They’ll remember.  Come say hi to my kids and see for yourself.  They are thriving. And we talk about their mother everyday. They are very connected to her, and they have not been sheltered from the truth. They were there and involved in everything. They were at the hospital with me. They know their mommy died from cancer. They visit her and bring her flowers just like I do. But they are surrounded by love and that’s exactly what they need. My tank was full and my head was clear to make these important decisions for them. 
3. BUILD SOMETHING.  In my case, I built a business this last year. I went against all practical advice when told to ‘slow down’. I sped up. I did more. My business is doing well and keeping me busy. On my terms. And I have business #2 set to launch sometime in 2019. 
4. LEARN, LEARN, LEARN.  Whatever topic you like. Do you like music? Dive in and learn. For me, it was learning how to build a business, self improvement, and exercise. 
5. EXPLORE FAITH.  Notice, I did not say God. I said faith. Spiritual power that you believe in. Seek answers. For me, it was traditional ways of spiritual faith that I sought. 
6. LEARN ABOUT WHAT COMMITMENT REALLY MEANS AND COMMIT TO SOMETHING OR SOMEONE. Commit first, figure out how later. Again, for me, I committed to building a business, and I had to learn how to do that after I committed. The fact that I didn’t know how didn’t stop me. 
7. COMPRESS TIME.  This relates to commitment and can be complex to understand. But nonetheless, compress time. As the saying goes, ‘The problem is, everybody thinks they have time’. Design and implement your life. Commit. 
8. DON’T BECOME AND LIVE IN YOUR NEW IDENTITY FOR TOO LONG. Fight back. Don’t become pigeon holed in something you didn’t ask for or want. You are more than that. I am a widower. But I am also a father, a business owner, a friend, a son, a musician. I am what I want to be, life circumstances does not define and label who I am forever. 

Remember, the secret to getting ahead is getting started. Don’t expect to win just because you were born. Create a life. For me, it’s a huge undertaking and process to rebuild my life after tragedy. I don’t have it all right. I am heartbroken through it all. Many times, it’s still a struggle to start my day. But I have also been the recipient of so much love to get me through this last year. Some think I’m fine and that I just moved on and give me so much credit. Thank you, but you’re wrong. I’ve done the work. I’ve gone the extra mile. I’ve faced the tragedy and worked through it everyday. I committed to the grieving process. I’ve fought depression and I’ve wanted to give up at times, too. I’ve suffered secondary losses as well that I’ve had to overcome (friends, etc.). But I remember the promise I made and the commitment I have made to our children and our future. Therefore, there is no other option than to keep moving forward the best that I can.

Clay Sewald